SCHOOL SUCKS

LOUD NOISES!

That would be me sniffling.....

TODAY SUCKED! I had like three breakdowns in one day....NOT GOOD.....

I'm so stressed...I have a 5 chapter test a 14 chapter test and PRETTY MUCH HALF OF MY SENIOR THESIS FINISHED...in the next week and a half....HOW IN THE UNIVERSE IS THAT GOING TO HAPPEN? I HAVE NO FRIGGIN CLUE!

I cried and cried and cried and felt like a little baby....b/c for some reason EVERYTHING seems wrong right now and EVERYTHING seems so HARD....why is it so difficult....

It's hard getting up in the morning....it's hard paying attention in class....it's hard thinking about everything I have to do.....(that sounds like some depression symptoms, but I'm not depressed...I know what that's like)

And then I feel like an ASS b/c my life is so EASY compared to other people that I love.....

I feel so overwhelmed and underwhelmed...LOL.....and like my brain is going to explode...and I feel like I have been calling out to God for so long but he's got me on hold.....I know it's just me...not listening to HIS call.....

Let's continue with the "I'm Tired" list.....I'm tired of over-analyzing my relationships.....I'm tired of thinking too much about the future.....I'm tired of not KNOWING where the hell I'll be after I graduate....I'm tired of crying....I'm tired of freaking out over stupid insignificant details.....I'm tired of wondering whether I have a right to freak out or if I'm just being a stupid girl.....

Seriously....what the hell happened to me...I was so sure, so confident....and then this massive fall from grace....and the climb back up is proving harder than I expected....

I used to fight during these times...in the past...but now I just feel like giving up b/c everytime I turn around I feel like I'm going to lose....

GAW!

OH yeah...I'm tired of writing depressing posts.....but this is my outlet.....so.....TOO BAD...

This is my NUMBER ONE FEAR......I feel as if I have been "going through" crap for so long that it's wearing thin on people......am I seriously really needing help or am I just not strong enough to pull myself out? The reason I withhold so much is that I will drive people away...I don't know why I fear this....but it haunts me...like no other.....I have no problem accepting the faults of others....I'm a loyal person to those that I truly love.....but I feel as if others aren't as understanding of mine....I keep thinking they'll eventually get tired of me and...who knows....I don't have any concrete examples of WHY I feel this way...I just do...and this is the wall that I have built around myself....

I share with others...but I keep my deepest thoughts to myself....and I think one should....you can't reveal everything to everyone.....but I WISH I COULD...how I wish I could....

Most importantly.....I wish I had SOMETHING to say....but I don't....my thoughts seem shallow and devoid of any real meaning or insight.....my brain is fried...I'm not as sharp and fast as I have been.....

I think I'm just lazy......

God...if you can hear me....will you just give me a good topic for my senior thesis....I would appreciate it...THANKS!

MUCH LOVE

Valeria